Family Stress During the Job Search

“Family and friends can often be insensitive with questions or comments such as, ‘Why aren’t you working yet?’ or ‘You’re still in that dead end job?’”

It took me nearly three years after college to finally land my first real job, and technically, I wasn’t full-time or salaried until 3 months and 7 months, respectively, after I started. The stress was ENORMOUS. It put a strain on all of my relationships – with my wife, my parents, my in-laws, and my friends. Why was there strain on my relationships with my friends? Not because they were rude and constantly asked why I wasn’t working yet, or why I had only a part-time job (they never asked those kinds of questions – they had some sense!). But because they cared enough to ask how the job search was going, with honest empathy, but did not have the sensitivity to recognize that, although they meant well, I was miserable and did not want to talk about it. I became pretty reclusive, unless I was feeling particularly needy of social interaction, and I always felt that everyone talked about work – either because something exciting happened or because they hated their jobs. But whatever the reason was, I couldn’t participate in that conversation simply because I was unemployed. Oh, I worked my butt off – I had internship after internship, part-time job after part-time job, and even a 6 months stint in the same job, which I had been told at the outset would not be permanent. How do you tell someone who cares, “would you please stop asking me how the job search is going? I really don’t want to talk about it. And yes, I have heard of that website, and yes I’ve tried temping, but no, they haven’t worked out yet. Yes, I’ve thought about taking off my Yarmulke (see an earlier post on that), and no I don’t think I want to.” People can be so well intentioned, yet so very misguided in their efforts to seem and even to be sincerely sympathetic.

If you have a friend who is unemployed, speak to them – privately – about what they think they need help with, and if you can offer that help, do so. Otherwise, don’t talk about it. If you know they had an interview, it’s (usually) fine to ask how it went, unless they are superstitious. Be thoughtful. Think about what it would feel like to you to be the only one of your friends in this situation, and whether you think you would want every single person you know to ask you how it’s going every single time you see them. It’s not pleasant. If you can offer a real job lead, do so. If you can pass along a resume to someone for them, do so. But don’t just ask for the sake of asking, or even for the sake of trying to let them know you care. They know you care, and they think you’re an @$$ for trying to look like it.

Sorry, it’s been a while, thank G-d, but sometimes you still gotta vent!