I, once again, feel I may be going into territory not as family friendly as this site is intended. If your sensibilities are easily offended (or if you think I really have gone “too far”), feel free to express yourself in comments.
Some teachers have one liners that live on outside the classroom. One of my favorites by Rabbi B. of TABC was representing the outside world’s view of Jewish customs. “You tie on leather straps every morning? Pretty kinky!” And this elicited the intended result of having most of us, 17 or younger, giggle at the ironic humor of mentally combining a BDSM activity with a commonplace spiritual one.
But what if it wasn’t a joke? What if somebody decided to use the straps of their Tefillin for coitus’s pleasure? Worse things have happened. And of course, I’m referring to the Gemara that talks about an evil king who defiled a woman on top of a Sefer Torah during Yom Kippur. I go to that extreme not because there isn’t anything between the two, but because for most of us the first is as repugnant as the second. And if you are someone who can easily brush off the image of Tefillin being used in such an activity, you are likely equally complacent when approached with the second image.1
Tefillin and sex have a history of winding up in the same place at the same time. I am referring to the “Tefillin date.” The “Tefillin date” was a concept introduced to me by one of my radio guests, Rabbi Dovid Eidensohn. It is a date where a boy brings his Tefillin along in the hopes that the girl will get the hint and invite him back to her place to see if they have any lasting chemistry. In the morning, while she’s still sleeping, he intends to don the garments which instill within him the fear of God and the weight of the commandments, and pray to God that she isn’t pregnant, because using a condom would be wasting seed.
I had never heard of the concept before Rabbi Eidensohn brought it up. It was not that I was so naive to think that none of my friends engaged in such an activity. I was surprised to learn it had a name. And while he associated it with the “Modern Orthodox” community, anyone who has ever searched the word “frum” under “casual encounters” in craigslist knows differently. (I have no idea how many responses those “respectable, menschlech, yeshivish bochur” ads get, but my mathematical abilities inform me those ads greatly outnumber the “sheina meidleh, from a good family” ones; the possibilities for humor here runs very high, but I’m going to keep my relevant Jewey innuendo to myself until I find that special someone to share it with.)
Another memorable story from teachers comes from my middle school days when Mrs. T. (now B.) informed us (the class) of a very Yeshivish looking guy who tried to kiss her on a first date. She then told on him to the Shadchan who had set them up in the first place. One female friend who associates herself with a Chassidish crowd once told me of a Chassidishe guy who similarly poured his heart out to her about how sexually frustrated he was. She told him that she didn’t care and that if that’s what he cared about, he could pay someone to take care of him. His response: The realization of hope. And the simple questions: Did she know where he would go to find such a woman and did she know how much they would charge.
And on the other side, you do have those who want to keep things Kosher. And that’s where pilegeshpersonals comes in. This site, essentially defunct, suggests that people can meet for non-marital Pilegesh relationships! While it does have under 200 members, it is doing much better than sister site noahidepersonals, which has under 10. And how does a Pilegesh agreement work? Feast your eyes to a real, live, functionable Pilegesh agreement:Sample Pilegesh Agreement.
And I know what you’re saying, I know. “This is antithetical to Judaism! A loophole to avoid plain old fashioned impropriety!” And to you, I respond, it’s not antithetical to Judaism, it is Judaism. This is a practice in which many of the Jewish leaders of the Biblical and post-Biblical era engaged. It’s those Christians that took polygamy away from us. And it’s the Muslims that influenced our rabbis to enforce stricter dress codes and gender separation. Wouldn’t we be better off if we bound ourselves to the hide of Jewish law instead of trying to tie ourselves to the ever-changing, seemingly baseless, edicts of a vague Judeo-Christian ethic?
I don’t think I agree with the Tefillin date or the Pilegesh agreement. But it could certainly be worse. I’m waiting for the day when CNN reports on a man tied to his bedpost by his Tefillin, with his body cocooned in a Talit. How did his Tefillin immobilize him? One on both arms and one on his head, of course.
It could be much worse.
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1. There is record of such an activity planned based on an ad posted on craigslist in January of 2007.
