Even Our “Temporary” Home is Different

 The first year after a loss is impossibly hard.  Every annual milestone passes and you feel the loss anew. I am trying to find a way to ease the pain for myself and my children. We honor the memory of their father and spend time thinking of years past, our traditions, and stories.  I am extremely focused on keeping his memory alive for the triplets.

Barry’s birthday has just passed. We made “The First Annual Barry Shuter Commemorative Birthday Party.” I baked a confetti cake, his favorite, and we read stories that friends from around the world had shared online.  We have a website, The Barry Shuter Family Trust, where people who knew Barry or have been touched by our struggle can contribute thoughts and anecdotes to help the kids get a glimpse of their father beyond the overprotective, loving parent they knew for too short a time.

Rosh Hashana  and Yom Kippur were so painful for me, remembering last year, when we davened so hard, literally begging for Barry’s life. Since those days are the amongst the most somber in the year, the bleakness in my heart didn’t really feel beyond the scope of the holiday.

Now we are on the eve of Sukkot and I am stymied by my own mourning and find myself unable to fulfill my self-declared goal of keeping traditions.  I just cannot do it.

Ever since I was a young child, my family has had a tradition to purchase decorations for the Succah as souvenirs from our vacations.  Each year we lovingly unwrapped each item, remembering the trip on which we bought it, sharing memories.  Decorating the Succah went way beyond paper chains and mylar florets.  We had bells from Acco, a lighthouse from Maine, a blowfish in a sombrero from Florida.

Barry z"l and the girls in OUR Succah

Barry and I incorporated this tradition into our own vacations and our Succah overflowed with wind-chimes, ornaments, and sun-catchers from our travels.  Once the triplets were born we were overjoyed to add the handmade Bruchim HaBaim signs (x3!) and other school-made decorations. In the last few years, each meal included games of “I Spy” where the decorations were the stars and we tried to challenge each other with outlandish descriptions for the beloved items.

Our Succah decoration box was the first we officially packed for our Aliyah.  We made the decision to make Aliyah in October of last year, so we packed up the box knowing it would be opened next in Eretz Yisrael.  But it is not being opened this year.  I just can’t bear to be overwhelmed with the memories. In the past year, our house, home and family has changed so drastically, there is a part of me that needs our Succah, our temporary house,  to reflect that change.  I think I will be able to pull out the old decorations again in the years to come. I sincerely hope so, but just not yet.

The triplets don’t seem to mind, they are currently making a paper chain that will certainly circle the Succah numerous times.  We bought some mylar florets. The Succah is pretty, but to me, it is not really our Succah.