Posted September 2 2008
An Olah Without A Parachute: An Aliyah Adventure iv
My last post was about the trials of packing, this post is about what I am feeling this very moment.
I’m scared.
It’s starting to really hit me. I think what opened this dam of emotion is something my grandmother said to me. She asked if my father was sad that I was leaving. So while I figure he’s not the happiest about it, he hasn’t expressed anything major. But she said that when she asked him what he thought about me leaving, he said, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
That hurts me. The idea of my strong, stoic father hurting or sad because of me grinds my world to a halt. My eyes blink rapidly to hold back tears, and my breath becomes slower as I try to stable my breathing. Perhaps this sounds overly dramatic, but this is what’s happening.
The reality check that my grandmother unwittingly gave me, reminds me of what I’m doing. I’m leaving everything I know so well. I’m leaving my parents, my family, my friends that I’ve had for years, my friends that I’ve known for a short time but still have become so important in my life. The life that I’ve lead is about to steer in a direction I don’t know. And now I’m not sure I’m ready.
I was ready a month ago. I think I was ready even a week ago. My flight is in six days, and now I am having major shortness of breath.
I know what people will tell me. You have family in Israel, you’ll make a support network there, change is hard, transitioning difficult, you can do it. I know these answers and I know the truth of them.
But all the answers in the world don’t stop this feeling.
I’m scared.
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4 Comments currently posted. 
lux says:
David H. says:
Hello Eliana –
Has your feeling of being scared blotted out all the good feelings (eg excitement, adventure), or are they existing together? This week may be a tough week, and for good reason. It probably doesn’t help to know that your feelings are normal. So what can you do with those feelings? Maybe you can use the feelings whenever you see someone you love this week — you can hug that person as hard as you can.
Kol hakavod for what you’re doing. I wish you b’hatzlecha and n’siya tova.
ahuvah says:
mazal tov! it feels scarier on that side of the ocean but once you land you will feel better.
I had panic attacks almost daily the week of my aliyah- and i was looking forward to making aliyah at age 12 (and my aliyah was 12 years later).
Rebecca says:
Aliyah and change in general is terrifying. Just dive right in. Nothing will be easy about it. You just tough it out for awhile… even a really long time. Then the clarity comes and you’ll feel great about it.
Fear is part of the process of change. It can’t be avoided. Accept it and keep going, you’ll be OK at the other side.