Jewneric: A New Platform for the Jewish Voice Archives: Humor
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24 June 2008
Candy Man
There was no one so frightening as the man who sat in the farthest back row of the synagogue. To most adults he was friendly and harmless, but we children knew better. We approached him with great care and trepidation. He never looked you straight in the eye, but he knew you were there. He [...]
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2 June 2008
What Does G-d Taste Like?
Shauli, our youngest son, was about seven years old as he sat across the table from me, at our favorite pizza shop. He considered a slice of pizza he held in his hands and asked:
“Is Hashem (G-d) everywhere?”
“Yes,” I answered, matter of factly.
“Is He in this slice of Pizza?” he asked, probing further.
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12 May 2008
Taking My Mind for a Walk
One day, Mayer, my chavruta wondered out loud about how a prophet could identify that a particular event he saw would happen in the future; after all, the information that he was accessing was most likely coming from a “place” beyond the boundaries of time.
His question began a stream of consciousness that led me to [...]
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28 April 2008
A Mother’s Rant
I would like an awards dinner in my honor this year. I have changed upwards of 3000 diapers, made more than 200 lunches, driven over 400 carpools, kissed and bandaged countless owies and boo-boos, washed sinkload after sinkload of dishes, folded basket after basket of laundry, read the same “Dora the Explorer” book [...]
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18 April 2008
The Chosen Keyboard
For a long time there have been only a few options if you wanted Hebrew on your keyboard. Your options were to spend two hours pasting stickers onto your keyboard like a 5 year old doing a bad Science Fair Project (cursing yourself repeatedly for getting every single sticker crooked), or to buy a keyboard [...]
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14 April 2008
The Abduction of David Zimlov
Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf, the big bad wolf, the big bad wolf? Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
The three little pigs were still dancing and singing and hooting and whistling and playing their fiddles. The wolf had been dead for . . . [...]
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20 March 2008
Rabbis’ New Role: Wedding Crashers
While those in the Internet reading community may not be aware, Brooklyn rabbis have recently banned marriage. I went undercover to find the story, and I now present my first piece of investigative journalism.
Rabbis Ban Marriage: Cite Promiscuity as Reason
Yet Another Jewneric Exclusive by staff writer, David Gertler
A group of 178 of Ultra-Orthodox rabbis [...]
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19 March 2008
If Purim Were Today OR: Purim in 2008
If Purim Were Today
A Spiel by (some of) the 4th Grade Students of the Congregation Beth El Religious School in Bethesda, Maryland
President Achashverosh –
Vice President Haman –
Zeresh —
Mordechai –
Esther –
Guards –
President’s Assistant –
SCENE 1:
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17 March 2008
The ABC’s of Kosher Wine L-P: Celebrity Edition
Nothing is better than word-of-mouth advertising, especially when the words come from a mouth that has been gilded by fame and celebrity. Well, Jewneric’s ongoing series, “The ABC’s of Kosher Wine,” has managed to attract attention from some of Hollywood’s biggest names, who have asked to contribute their opinions to todays installment.
Louis de Sacy Brut [...]
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13 March 2008
The ABC’s of Kosher Wine F-K : So You Like It Cheap
So maybe you’re not looking for a wine that requires you to open it a half hour before you drink it. Maybe you just want something cheap and easy that puts you on the express train to call Ralph on the big white phone. Well, bellow is a list of Wines that will have you [...]