Posted January 30 2008
Learning About Sex the Yeshiva Way
As secular society becomes more sexually open, the capacity for frum teens to be affected becomes greater. In order to combat this, Yeshivas and Bais Yaakovs have become stricter about the secular influences their students come in contact with. Secular music, entertainment and dress are all taboo, and all because of how they relate to sex. Secular music is rife with sexual references, secular dress lacks modesty and secular entertainment aggrandizes sexual promiscuity. In order to guard against what they see as a corrupting influence, Yeshivas and Bais Yaakovs have taken drastic measures to ensure that the students they protect don’t fall victim to society’s licentious nature. But by creating a sexual vacuum, are they doing more harm than good?
The teenage years are crucial to the development of sexual identity and it has been proven that sexual behavior is directly influenced by cultural norms. This means that when a student is led to believe during his adolescence that his upbringing treats sex as something to be ashamed of, that student will carry that notion with him throughout his grown up years. This effect is worse at Bais Yaakov, where the girls are desexualized and even punished when they develop an affectation that is deemed to be too sexual. A great example is a friend of mine who got into trouble because her skirts were too long (and therefore too attractive) and her hair was judged to be too trendy. By stripping these girls of the mannerisms that make them feel feminine, their sexual identity is compromised. To make matters worse, frum girls are often given lectures by people like Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky. These lectures tell the girls that men just want one thing from them and that they are two weak and stupid to be able to resist. This kind of religious zealotry forever embeds a negative stereotype about men in the minds of young frum women. A friend once told me that she had been so affected by these lectures that it took her years to understand that sometimes her husband did things for her because he loved her, not because he wanted her to sleep with him. This is the problem. Sex is so taboo in the ultra religious community that it stops being a beautiful statement of unification between two partners. By making it seem dirty, generations of Yeshiva boys and Bais Yaakov girls grow up thinking that’s all it is. Dirty.
Halachically, sex is not only for procreation but also an expression of love between two married people. Through sexual intimacy a married couple strengthens the bond between them. This shows that in Judaism sex is not simply a way of experiencing physical pleasure. It is an act of tremendous importance, which requires commitment and responsibility. These Jewish beliefs about sex are just never addressed in Yeshiva and as a result, many are unable to ever acclimate to them.
The yeshiva community should really begin teaching their student about sex the same way the military teaches their soldiers about firearms. Treat it with awe and respect, understand the consequences of your actions, and always remember how dangerous it can be in the wrong hands.
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5 Comments currently posted. 
Dave Weinberg says:
Dave Weinberg says:
Digg this story:
http://digg.com/educational/Learning_About_Sex_the_Yeshiva_Way
Seth Jacobson says:
Z - I agree with the sentiment of your post entirely. And not to nitpick, but if they taught the students to respect sex the way the military teaches soldiers to respect firearms, I don’t think that would solve the problem of intimacy and fear that many Kallot have. Just thought I’d throw that out there.
Zechariah Mehler says:
Hmmm….good point. My point is that Sex should be seen as something that can be used for the good or the bad depending on the implementation. Perhaps comparing it to military weapons training is an extreme analogy. The words “this is my rifle this is my gun” kept going through my head and so I guess that is how I made the connection.
Zechariah Mehler says:
To our readers: I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that despite its serious nature in retrospect I wish I had titled this article “Red Hot Yeshivish Love”
There is a great website that is trying to break down the walls about sexual misguidance and bad education in our community.
Check out:
http://www.calmkallahs.com